These are not the reasons I find it hard to write. That’s a whole other thing. And for the most part I don’t find it hard to write. Once I’m sitting down, pen in hand or fingers on keyboard, the actual writing bit is relatively easy. I’m talking about being a writer. Which is different.
In theory if you write then you are a writer. Chuck Wendig says so and he’s published so it must be true. That’s certainly what I would tell anyone else who asked me if I thought they could be a writer. But somehow it’s not good enough for me because there’s this terrible, mercenary voice in the back of my head that says that I can’t be a writer unless people want to read what I have to say and are willing to pay to do so.
The voice only makes rules for me. It makes other rules for me that I would never impose on anyone else and that I would recognise as tyrannical if I saw someone trying to impose them but I’m not going into that just now. Intellectually I know these rules are bullshit but that’s not much help.
So I have this voice telling me that it’s not enough to write and it doesn’t count unless people want to read. And I have the voice of experience telling me that no-one wants to hear what I have to say. No-one.
I think I’m quite good at writing. I know I’m good at talking. And yet I’m always surprised when anyone listens, when anyone reads, whenever I don’t get interrupted. I always wonder why people are humoring me. I’m also aware that people only listen because I’m careful what I talk about. There’s a lot of stuff that I just don’t say because I’m pretty sure no-one wants to hear about how fucking horrible everything is.
But if I edit out my point of view then what was the point of writing in the first place? If I’m just going to tell you pretty lies so you wont stop reading then why am I going to the trouble of writing it down?
Oh well. Now that I have thoroughly depressed myself and anyone still reading this I have to get back to the work in progress. I swear that I will get some actual work done. With a bit of luck by the end of today my villain will have actually started being villainous.