Brace yourselves. Lots of video links in this one.
These two tracks go together, not just because the title combination and the swerve from folk rock to trashy pop pleases me but because these are both squad songs. In the real world no crime is ever solved by a single person, though it sometimes seems like that. That’s even more true in my story where each character has only small pieces of a puzzle that they have to assemble together.
This is the darker of the two. My characters are in bad places mentally. They’re dealing with the loss of a friend but also with their own problems of physical and mental disability.
No I’m not going to defend this choice. It’s my playlist. Fuck you. Fight me.
But seriously. This song is on here because it’s defiant and fun and because it reminds me of this song.
This is a Tumblr track. I only know it exists because of my Tumblr friends (the RL friends who introduced me to Tumblr and the people I only know through Tumblr). My characters all have Tumblr blogs. Some of the novel is going to be taken directly from their blogs. We’ll get to see events through their eyes and in their own words.
The Project Cecil Playlist Page.
The worst thing about depression isn’t that it lies. It’s that it keeps telling you uncomfortable truths until you’re too weak to keep saying “so what”.
When my depression tells me that no-one will miss me or that the people I care about will be better off without me I know that it’s lying. No matter how worthless I am they would miss me because they are good people and my death would hurt them because they’d feel like they failed. Clinging on to that has kept me going. I’m not living for me and I haven’t been for years.
When my depression tells me that none of that matters in the grand scheme of things it’s not exactly lying. My life and the lives of everyone I know are meaningless when placed against the span of human history. All of human history is insignificant in the whole history of life on our planet. And that’s just on a local scale. Our whole solar system is not even a mote in the eye of the universe. Sometimes it’s a comforting thought. I am so insignificant that there’s a real limit to how badly I can fuck up.
When my depression tells me that I don’t matter that’s old news. When it tells me that the Universe is huge and ancient but still young and that it’s impossible to conceive of how brief and tiny my life is by comparison I can agree. But when it starts to say that’s also true about everyone I care about then I have a problem. I’m only living because I don’t want to hurt them. But if their pain is unimportant then there’s no reason for me to keep going.
I’m going to stop writing this now. I have no idea if it’s making any sense. The depression is very bad right now and my brain isn’t communicating with itself very well.
This week I lost half a kilo (about a pound) and I am already underwhelmed with weight loss after only 4 weigh-ins.
I find the entire process of dieting deeply unsatisfying. It’s expensive, it takes ages, it requires constant vigilance, and it leads to me obsessing about my appearance.
I’d really rather not think about my appearance. I’ve tried very hard to either like how I look or not care that I don’t like how I look. Dieting invariably seems to involve more thinking about how I can’t fix the problems with how I look and I’ve so far failed to fix how I feel about that.
Dieting also means not using food as a painkiller or an antidepressant. It means having to deal with pain, both physical and psychological, that I could avoid if I wasn’t on a fucking diet. And I have to expand precious mental resources working out what to eat rather than say, just having some toast. I find myself just having a cup of coffee to suppress my appetite because then I don’t have to think.
Context is everything. I’m a fat middle aged woman so me deciding to drink coffee rather than eat seems like a neat diet hack. But it’s just as dysfunctional as a skinny teenaged girl doing the same thing. It’s neither healthy nor moderate and it may not be sustainable but who cares because the number on the scale is headed in the right direction.
For more information see Update 4 or the Diet Page.
This track relates to another character with a traumatic experience of near death by drowning. This character however has developed a much more twisted relationship with water.
This character was much younger when they nearly drowned and the memory has mixed with hazy memories of watching The Little Mermaid while recovering and led them to romanticise the experience.
The song reminds me of the way that mermaids and sirens are used as symbols of dangerous women and their deadly attractions by a culture that pathologizes female desire. It’s also very chilled out which handy for a NaNoWriMo playlist.
This song takes me into the psyche of one of my main characters.
This character has traumatic memories of nearly drowning. This person also often feels like they are metaphorically drowning in their own body and sometimes feels the pull towards non-existence that is not quite being suicidal but also not quite not.
The drowning experience forms a link with another character that I’ll be touching on with the next track.
Playlist Page where this all gets explained.
This is another great song to go on any writing playlist, though probably only during the first draft. I think of it as the unofficial anthem of NaNoWriMo.
This is the only song on the playlist that’s there to make the act of writing easier. Everything else is about setting or plot or character. This one is just to remind me that writing the first draft is the fun part. And it is. For the most part. It’s everything that comes after that’s painful
For more information: Playlist page.
Lost 1.2kg ( two and a half pounds) this week for a total new diet weight loss of 4.7kg (just over 10lbs).
This week my main difficulties have been managing the food supply. We had to throw out some fresh food because it went off before we got round to using it. It’s tempting at the start of a diet to fill the fridge with the things you know you can eat but I really should have looked at the dates of everything and planned ahead a bit better. Fortunately Iceland came to my rescue (the shop not the country). They have cauliflower and mixed greens “rice” in frozen ready to microwave bags.
I had the first ‘diet nightmare’ of this diet. That’s when I dream I’m eating and then halfway through eating I realise that I shouldn’t be eating this thing because carbs. The last time I was on a low carb diet I would have that dream several times a week and be wracked with guilt during the dream and wake up devastated and sure that I’d ruined the diet. This time in the dream I just shrugged and thought ‘oh well, back on the diet tomorrow’ and finished the pizza/crusty bread/mashed potato (yes I did have the dream three times in one night). I woke up feeling slightly relieved that it was just a dream.
The detailed tracking that MyFitnessPal allows means that I’m noticing how variable my appetite is. I’ve had a couple of days where staying under the limit both on calories and on carbs was pretty hard and I had one day where I only ate about half the calories I could have done. So far there doesn’t seem to be any pattern to it.
Should I make a diet page to collect all these links? Probably.