This week I put the half kilo I lost last week back on. I know why it happened. I had a cheat day at the weekend and I made one very bad choice and that resulted in eating a whole large pepperoni pizza.
If anyone thin is wondering why there are so many fat people in the world and why so many diets fail and why we make such a fuss about weight loss and act like it’s hard when it’s just eat less and move more let me explain. I made one bad decision and it cost me two weeks of progress. Now it was a very bad decision and I should have known better but it was still one decision. One pizza. Two weeks.
This is why you’ll sometimes see someone break a diet in an apparently small way and then act like it’s all over and there’s no point and I’m just going to go and inhale this entire cake. That’s not sensible or entirely rational but when a single decision made in a moment of weakness and tiredness can ruin two weeks of effort I think it’s at least understandable.
I think it’s particularly understandable given how little return we can get for our effort. Until this reversal I’d lost 10kg (22 pounds) and my reward for that success was that my rings keep falling off and my face looks a bit thinner. That’s it.
Don’t worry about me though. I’m back on the diet. I’m developing a better handle on how far I can push it on a cheat day without reversing my progress. I now know that the sweet spot is somewhere between a panini and a whole pizza.
The Fucking Diet page.
This week I lost half a kilo (just over a pound).
Probably. It might have been more but I forgot to weigh myself first thing becuase I had to get up first thing and shout at the bank and then go out and get money and then eat something. Then come back home and weigh myself. Then move the scales because the corner was slightly cocked on the mat and it was claiming that I’d lost 3 kilos,
Also I’m menstruating* which might mess it up. So really this week’s weight should be a line of question marks.
Lessons from this week include that I can eat at Wagamama while keeping it low carb and that Costa’s new breakfast bars are low carb enough for me to eat as long as I’m careful for the rest of the day.
I’m trying to be more active but Goddammit it hurts. As I write this I have a muscle spasm in my right forearm that is constantly reminding me that my life sucks and it will never be easy. Typing with an arm spasm is no fun at all but if I expected life to be fun I probably should have been born in an entirely different body.
*Anyone who is shocked that I, an adult woman, have publicly mentioned the fact that my uterus is bleeding probably needs to back away from their device. You would not believe the stuff that’s on the internet.
Last update. Diet page.
This week I lost 0.7kg ( just over a pound). That takes my total weight loss on this diet up to 9.5kg (21 lbs or about a stone and a half).
This week I learned that I can have a cheat day and still lose weight but only if I’m defining a cheat day as one where I stay under my calorie limit while not caring about the carbs. Maybe. I was well under the calorie limit though. That’s good news because it means that if I fancy cinema popcorn or a sandwich then I can have that just not every week and I still have to be careful.
I’m still using the coffee trick and it really does work even with decaf. But I’m drinking high quality ground coffee which makes it feel more like an indulgence and less like I’m punishing myself.
As I said last week my referral to the leg ulcer clinic turned out to be useful. The nurse there is referring me to Vascular so they can check on the state of my veins and then to a specialist physiotherapist for massage and compression wraps. The goal is to reduce the size of the affected areas and then get made to measure compression garments. She also prescribed a moisturiser because dry skin on the affected areas can lead to cracking and infection.
For the first time since I heard about lipoedema it seems certain that I do have it and there is a plan to deal with it. I have to keep on the diet though.
Last Update. This Fucking Diet.
After a very active weekend during which I had a couple of days where I ate less than half my allotted calories I have lost a whole 400g (just under a pound). And I’m in agony. And feeling like shit.
But at least I survived a 3 days of my Mum insisting that I should have a biscuit because they’re only small. She did make sure to tell me that she’s super proud of me for losing weight. It’s nice of her to say so but it doesn’t change the fact that the weight loss is meaningless.
Tomorrow (as I write this it’ll be yesterday by the time it posts) I have an appointment at the leg ulcer clinic. I don’t have a leg ulcer. I assume this is my Doctor trying to get me compression wraps. I predict that I will yet again be sent home with nothing but we shall see.
[Edit: I was not sent away with nothing. I got an actually useful referral. Yay!]
Last update. Diet Page
I have lost 3.3kg (7lb or half a stone) since my last official weigh in and 8.5kg (18.7lbs or 1 stone and 4lbs) since the start of the diet. That’s ridiculous. You can’t lose half a stone of fat in a week. Clearly my weight is all over the place and it’s probably because of fluid.
I have been a bit more careful about carbs and about meal planning this week. There’s still room for improvement though. I’ve also been starting to think more seriously about exercise. Calorie restriction alone isn’t going to work in the long term.
Exercise is going to be tricky. I have mobility problems, chronic pain and no money. I’ve started with incline pushups and bodyweight squats. I’ve gone from being able to do 4 good form pushups and 1 terrible form squat to 10 and 5 with good form and reasonable speed. My husband has a rowing machine that I’m thinking about using but for some reason haven’t tried out yet.
Ideally I’d like to get back into weight training but with little room in the house, no money for a gym membership, and no easy way to get to a gym it’s going to be tricky. We’re thinking about moving some of the furniture around to make room for weights. I already have some weights and it’s not too expensive to buy more. It’s a decent squat rack and bench that’s going to be expensive. You don’t want to skimp on those because that’s a safety issue.
Last Update. Diet update page
This week I have gained 200g. That’s not a lot. Less than half a pound. But it’s the wrong direction.
It’s particularly galling because I have had a thoroughly miserable week sticking to this fucking diet. I have not gone over on calories but I have been much closer to the line and I did go over on carbs on Friday and Saturday. That could mean that the weight gain is down to to fluid but I’m not going to rely on that.
In the future I need to be more careful with carbs, and I need to work on the assumption that either MyFitnessPal is too generous with calories or there’s stuff I’m eating and forgetting to track and not get too close to the line with Calories.
And I need to drink more coffee. I need to get back into the habit of defaulting to a decaf if I get hungry late at night.
EDIT: I weigh myself on a Monday and then write up the diet update but set it to post on a Wednesday. I do this because no-one else should have to deal with my dietary bitching on a Monday. But it does sometimes mean that the information is out of date by the time it’s posted.
When I weighed myself on Monday my weight was up by 200g. When I got curious and weighed myself on Tuesday it was down by 1.3 kg ( that’s nearly 3lbs). I can’t have lost that much fat in 24 hrs so the difference must be down to fluid. As someone with both lipoedema and lymphoedema I can carry a lot of excess fluid. It could also be down to the difference between having eaten enough carbs to have stored some glycogen and having used up the glycogen and not eaten enough carbs to replenish the stores.
All the Diet posts.
This week I lost half a kilo (about a pound) and I am already underwhelmed with weight loss after only 4 weigh-ins.
I find the entire process of dieting deeply unsatisfying. It’s expensive, it takes ages, it requires constant vigilance, and it leads to me obsessing about my appearance.
I’d really rather not think about my appearance. I’ve tried very hard to either like how I look or not care that I don’t like how I look. Dieting invariably seems to involve more thinking about how I can’t fix the problems with how I look and I’ve so far failed to fix how I feel about that.
Dieting also means not using food as a painkiller or an antidepressant. It means having to deal with pain, both physical and psychological, that I could avoid if I wasn’t on a fucking diet. And I have to expand precious mental resources working out what to eat rather than say, just having some toast. I find myself just having a cup of coffee to suppress my appetite because then I don’t have to think.
Context is everything. I’m a fat middle aged woman so me deciding to drink coffee rather than eat seems like a neat diet hack. But it’s just as dysfunctional as a skinny teenaged girl doing the same thing. It’s neither healthy nor moderate and it may not be sustainable but who cares because the number on the scale is headed in the right direction.
For more information see Update 4 or the Diet Page.
Lost 1.2kg ( two and a half pounds) this week for a total new diet weight loss of 4.7kg (just over 10lbs).
This week my main difficulties have been managing the food supply. We had to throw out some fresh food because it went off before we got round to using it. It’s tempting at the start of a diet to fill the fridge with the things you know you can eat but I really should have looked at the dates of everything and planned ahead a bit better. Fortunately Iceland came to my rescue (the shop not the country). They have cauliflower and mixed greens “rice” in frozen ready to microwave bags.
I had the first ‘diet nightmare’ of this diet. That’s when I dream I’m eating and then halfway through eating I realise that I shouldn’t be eating this thing because carbs. The last time I was on a low carb diet I would have that dream several times a week and be wracked with guilt during the dream and wake up devastated and sure that I’d ruined the diet. This time in the dream I just shrugged and thought ‘oh well, back on the diet tomorrow’ and finished the pizza/crusty bread/mashed potato (yes I did have the dream three times in one night). I woke up feeling slightly relieved that it was just a dream.
The detailed tracking that MyFitnessPal allows means that I’m noticing how variable my appetite is. I’ve had a couple of days where staying under the limit both on calories and on carbs was pretty hard and I had one day where I only ate about half the calories I could have done. So far there doesn’t seem to be any pattern to it.
Should I make a diet page to collect all these links? Probably.
This week I weighed myself for the second time and my weight was down by 3.5 kg (just under 8lbs for Americans and just over half a stone for Brits). That’s not bad. You always lose more in the first week of any diet and the effect is particularly strong with low carb diets. I probably haven’t lost 3.5 kg of fat. I estimate that 3 kg of that is fluid.
The eating has been fine. I’ve been sticking to my plan and my calorie intake has been under the target every single day, well under on most days. More importantly I think I’ve been fine on the carb targets too. The only thing that’s worrying me about the food side of it is money. If I mess up on the shopping and planning side I’ll be in trouble. There really aren’t many cheap sources of protein. If I run out of food and mostly run out of money I’ll have to fall back on things that are high in carbohydrates and just not satisfying.
Now before anyone starts congratulating me please remember that this weight-loss is still meaningless. You might hear people, even doctors, say “Any weight-loss is good,” but this simply isn’t true. When I weighed myself the first time I was 23 kg lighter than I was at my heaviest (that’s 50lbs for Americans and three and a half stone for Brits). That weight-loss was real and I’ve sustained it for years but it doesn’t count because I’m still fat.
For me dieting is and always has been a hole with no bottom. It’s never going to be enough. It’s never going to fix the problem I have with the mirror. It’s never going to fix the things that are wrong with my body. Dieting is a means without an end.
Links to the previous updates: Update 1. Update 2
I’ve been on the diet for several days now and it’s been interesting. I’ve been using Myfitnesspal to track my food intake. Since I’m on a low carb diet I’ve mainly been paying attention to carbs but the app also tracks my calorie intake (although it’s actually tracking Kilojoules because I set it up wrong) and I’ve been well under every day.
The problem with the induction phase of a low carb diet is that it does tend to make you grumpy. And by grumpy I mean likely to fly into a murderous rage with very little warning. It also takes a while to get into the habit of it. You spend a lot of time staring into the fridge wondering what you can eat and then end up just nibbling on cheese.
I still don’t have functioning scales but my Mother-in-law has offered to give me a new set for my birthday. That means I’ll be able to tell how much weight I’m not losing. I jest. I probably will lose some weight. It’s just depressing to know that it will never be enough.
And that’s the real reason that I’m so pissed off about going on this diet. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much weight I lose I already know that it’s not going to be enough. The Lipoedema means that while I might get thinner I’ll never be thin enough for society. The hangover from my youthful dalliance with anorexia means that I’ll never be satisfied with what I see in the mirror. The additional weight from the Lipoedema fat cells and all the fluid they trap means that there’s no point even asking about knee replacement surgery. It’s highly unlikely that my weight loss will do anything to fix any of my underlying problems.
This diet is just me torturing myself in the hope that if I can stand the torture long enough my doctor might take me seriously.
link to Diet Update 1