I am trying very hard to be happy about setting my work free but resentment keeps kicking my arse.
This year I decided to give up on the idea of traditional publishing. The industry is kind of messed up and I do not have the patience for it. It doesn’t help that the industry also has very little interest in buying the kind of stories I want to write and I have very little interest in writing the kind of stories that I might be able to sell.
Since I have neither the money nor the spoons to go down the indie writing route of setting up my own one woman publishing house I decided to just give my work away. I was hoping that I might attract some support through Patreon or Kofi but that has not worked out.
For now I’m holding on to the hope that either people will come around and support my work or that the lack of support will finally cure me of this idiotic desire to be an author. Why can’t I just settle for being a writer.
Why do I torture myself like this? I put in all the work to write the thing in the first place, and then all the editing work to make it not suck, then pestering my beta readers to read it so I can find out all the additional ways in which it sucks, then more editing, and finally I convince myself that it’s good enough to send out and I find that while a few people will read it none of them are going to send me any money.
I’m asking like it’s rhetorical question but now that I think about it I know why. I have a compulsion to tell stories. My poor health means that I don’t get out much and body dysmorphia means that I’m not comfortable telling them to a camera. That leaves writing them down. I like writing but it’s unsatisfying to finish a story if it’s only for me.
And finally… I’m working class and I grew up poor. I’m not going to work that hard unless someone gets something worthwhile at the end of it.
So maybe this experience will finally teach me to stop expecting a reward for my work and also to stop caring if that work is any good. I do keep saying that if no-one is going to pay me then I’m not going to edit.