Has anyone spotted the Zeppelins yet? I ask because it’s clear that the USA is experiencing a full on incursion from a Nazi timeline. That’s the only way I can explain actual Natzi’s marching in the streets with neither hoods nor masks and then being surprised when this doesn’t go well for them.
It’s almost possible to feel sorry for these travelers from another realm trapped in a world that doesn’t work the way they thought it did. They stumble around, expecting their violence to go unpunished, expecting to be lauded for their crimes, smearing their victims with insults that the world regards as nonsensical and when all else fails pretending not to be Natzis
Because let us not forget that these are Natzis. These are people who believe that some people aren’t people and that makes it totally ok to exterminate them. Even in their homeline they are arsholes without a single redeaming feature. They’re just used to getting away with it.
So what do we, the right thinking descendants of people who fought a war to put these arseholes back in their box, do about this?
We fight. We fight the very idea that it’s ok to be a Natzi. We enforce consequences. We remove the possibility of wearing a swastika all weekend and then pretending not to be a reprehensible piece of shit all week. When someone gets all uppity that no-one is condemning leftist violence let us pause briefly to point out all the times when people did condemn it before asking them if they have a problem condeming actual fucking Natzis. We show up to protest. We make it clear where the line is drawn and which side of it we are on.
Those of us who benefit from white privilege should weaponise that privilege. If someone has to tear down monuments then let it be those of us who will be charged with a misdemeanor not shot by some cop with a twitchy trigger finger. Let those of us who look like the imaginary Ayran master-race be the first to strike down the very idea of white supremacy.
One last thing before I let you go. While it is absolutely morally correct to punch a Natzi (but only if they really are a Natzi) it is illegal unless they attack you first. If you punch a Natzi you could be arrested, charged and convicted. So maybe don’t do it if you have people relying on you or if you can’t afford the conviction on your record.
More Zeppelin references
+++COUNCIL INSTRUCTS PROPERTY DEVELOPER TO INCLUDE GAY VENUE ON THE SITE OF THE JOINER’S ARMS+++TOWER HAMLETS MAYOR’S OFFICE WILL SEND IN INSPECTORS TO MAKE SURE IT IS GAY ENOUGH+++
+++LONDON MAYOR DEMANDS URGENT ACTION TO HALT THE DECLINE OF LGBT BARS+++LONDON MAYOR’S OFFICE PUSHING PLANNERS TO DO MORE TO PROTECT LGBT VENUES+++
Authorities in London are worried that the nightlife of the city is insufficiently gay and they are taking steps. That’s something I never thought I would see. For most of my life LGBT venues needed preserving from city authorities not by them.
So how will they check that the new venue is gay enough? The reader who sent me the the link imagines an undercover LGBT Inspector’s report would go something like this:
Inspector’s Report on the Joiner’s Arms:
Entered the club at 20:10., three adult males seen dancing topless on the dance floor. Two women observed kissing in booth at the back. Approached bar and was served at 20:21. Drinks on offer included 3 types of wkd, various vodkas and standard selection of lager. By 23:39 an eligible gentleman had been approached. Left club with said gentleman at 02:30 the following day.
The new Joiner’s Arms shows satisfactory levels of LGBT+ activity.
Poppers should be offered at the bar.
Change Drag night from Tuesday to Saturday.
I’m predicting a 6.9% increase in the chance of Zeppelin sightings over London. These will be the rare rainbow Zeppelins associated with the LGBT+ future utopia that Captain Jack Harkness off of Doctor Who will be born into sometime in the future.
I, for one, welcome our fabulous overlords. It’s getting dangerously dystopian round here. Sign me up for the glitter and the loud music.
Follow the Zeppelin link to the rest of the Zeppelin posts.
+++PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP CALLED NEW HAMPSHIRE A “DRUG-INFESTED DEN” DURING PHONE CALL WITH MEXICAN PRESIDENT, JANUARY+++
+++TRUMP SAID,”I WON NEW HAMPSHIRE BECAUSE NEW HAMPSHIRE IS A DRUG-INFESTED DEN” AND “KIDS ARE BECOMING ADDICTED TO DRUGS BECAUSE THE DRUGS ARE BEING SOLD FOR LESS MONEY THAN CANDY,”+++HE CITES MEXICO AS THE SOURCE FOR THE SUPER CHEAP DRUGS+++
+++NEW HAMPSHIRE RESIDENTS OBJECT TO THE PRESIDENT’S CHARACTERISATION OF THEIR STATE AND POINT OUT THAT ALTHOUGH HE WON THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY HE LOST BOTH THE POPULAR AND THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTE IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION+++
Ok, that last bit was me joking but the rest of the story appears legit. There is a genuine opiate problem throughout the US and New Hampshire has been particularly badly hit with a tenfold increase in deaths from opiate overdose from 2011 to 2015. I don’t think this increases the chances of Zeppelin sightings since this is clearly a long standing problem however it does suggest a new runner in the apocalypse stakes.
Apocalypse watchers I give you the Drug Apocalypse. This is the apocalypse where an increasing reliance on drugs blinds the lower classes to class iniquity and allows the super rich to hijack democracy leading to an inevitable societal breakdown. It’s the only possible explanation for the drugs being so cheap. If the super rich weren’t subsidising the drugs there’s no way that they could be cheaper than candy.
There’s now a page on the blog collecting all the Zeppelin related material: Zeppelins!
+++TECH GIANT NAME TAKEN FROM LORD OF THE RINGS AND MISSION STATEMENT FROM MINORITY REPORT IN DEALS WITH THE LAPD, CIA, FBI, NSA, CENTRE FOR DISEASE CONTROL, US MARINE CORPS, USAF, AND OTHERS+++
Go read the link. I’ll wait.
We appear to be dangerously close to crossing over to a ‘dystopian surveillance state’ type alternative universe. Even more worrying is the information that this has been going on since 2004.
I predict a minimum 10% chance of Zeppelin sightings anywhere in the world. That is now the new probability floor and I don’t expect that to change any time soon. Furthermore this now adds to the global chance of a machine apocalypse. We are now at 1% chance of machine apocalypse, 1% chance of zombie apocalypse and 1% chance of total societal breakdown from some other cause. Your local chance may be much higher.
+++AGGRESSIVE SQUIRREL TERRORISES BROOKLYN+++PROSPECT PARK ATTACKER OF FIVE STILL AT LARGE+++AUTHORITIES UNABLE TO CAPTURE ‘NINJA SQUIRREL’+++
+++HEALTH DEPARTMENT WORK ON THE ASSUMPTION THAT THE SQUIRREL IS RABID+++IMMUNOLOGIST SUGGEST IT MAY HAVE ‘FURIOUS’ VARIANT OF RABIES+++
A potentially rabid animal biting a person is no joking matter. However the idea of a New York park in lockdown because of a squirrel that the authorities can’t catch is straight out of an issue of Unbeatable Squirrel Girl.
The current Zeppelin forecast for New York City is 17%. This might seem low but every version of New York is pretty weird. We suggest you also keep an eye out for a curvy young canadian with buck teeth who goes by the name ‘Dorreen Green’ and clams to be studying Computer Science. Render her any assistance she requires and she will solve the crisis.
Furthermore the mention of ‘Furious Rabies’ leads to a 3% increase in the local chance of a zombie outbreak. Stay safe out there.
Further explanation of the Zeppelin Forecast is here.
Previous forecasts for Alaska, Colorado, Florida, Global and the USA/Mexico border.
+++MEAT FALLS FROM THE SKY OVER SOUTH FLORIDA+++FAMILY AWOKEN BY LOUD THUD+++FROZEN ITALIAN SAUSAGE LANDS ON ROOF+++HOMEOWNERS BAFFLED+++2 PACKAGES IN THE YARD AND THREE ON THE ROOF+++
+++A TOTAL OF 15 POUNDS OF ITALIAN SAUSAGE WAS FOUND IN BAGS MARKED WILLIAM LAND SERVICE, A LAND-CLEARING COMPANY IN ALABAMA+++FAMILY THEORISES “SOMETHING TO DO WITH A DRUG DEAL OR SOMETHING”+++
Ok, I am super confused. Just the other day we had President Trump worrying aloud about people being knocked out by falling drugs and now we have falling Italian sausage that people are linking to drugs. What exactly are these drug dealers up to and does it involve zeppelins?
The Florida Zeppelin sighting forecast is now 17% (thats added to the current global forecast). Of course Florida is pretty weird so its entirely possible that Florida already exists in it’s own parallel universe and has done for some time.
See here for an explanation of the Zeppelin forecast.
+++PRESIDENT WARNS OF FALLING PACKETS OF DRUGS+++MEXICAN CARTELS APPARENTLY THROWING CONTRABAND ABOUT+++NEW BORDER WALL TO BE POROUS TO AVOID HEAD INJURIES+++
+++ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT PRESIDENT TRUMP INFORMED REPORTERS ON AIR FORCE ONE THAT HIS PROPOSED BORDER WALL NEEDS TO BE SEE-THROUGH, OR AT LEAST HAVE HOLES IN IT, SO AMERICANS DON’T GET CRUSHED BY FALLING BAGS OF DRUGS+++
I’m not buying this story. I think the real reason for the fear of falling drugs is that they’re dropping out of Zeppelins as they transition to our reality. Therefore the current Zeppelin sighting forecast for the US/Mexico border areas is standing at 22%.
Zeppelin explanation. Previous forecasts for Alaska, Colorado and the emergency global forecast.
Hat tip to Laura Lam for posting the link to the news story to facebook and commenting that it’s getting hard to tell real news from satire.