Diet Update 11

This week I put the half kilo I lost last week back on. I know why it happened. I had a cheat day at the weekend and I made one very bad choice and that resulted in eating a whole large pepperoni pizza.

If anyone thin is wondering why there are so many fat people in the world and why so many diets fail and why we make such a fuss about weight loss and act like it’s hard when it’s just eat less and move more let me explain. I made one bad decision and it cost me two weeks of progress. Now it was a very bad decision and I should have known better but it was still one decision. One pizza. Two weeks.

This is why you’ll sometimes see someone break a diet in an apparently small way and then act like it’s all over and there’s no point and I’m just going to go and inhale this entire cake. That’s not sensible or entirely rational but when a single decision made in a moment of weakness and tiredness can ruin two weeks of effort I think it’s at least understandable.

I think it’s particularly understandable given how little return we can get for our effort. Until this reversal I’d lost 10kg (22 pounds) and my reward for that success was that my rings keep falling off and my face looks a bit thinner. That’s it.

Don’t worry about me though. I’m back on the diet. I’m developing a better handle on how far I can push it on a cheat day without reversing my progress. I now know that the sweet spot is somewhere between a panini and a whole pizza.

 

The Fucking Diet page.

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Diet Update 10

This week I lost half a kilo (just over a pound).

Probably. It might have been more but I forgot to weigh myself first thing becuase I had to get up first thing and shout at the bank and then go out and get money and then eat something. Then come back home and weigh myself. Then move the scales because the corner was slightly cocked on the mat and it was claiming that I’d lost 3 kilos,

Also I’m menstruating* which might mess it up. So really this week’s weight should be a line of question marks.

Lessons from this week include that I can eat at Wagamama while keeping it low carb and that Costa’s new breakfast bars are low carb enough for me to eat as long as I’m careful for the rest of the day.

I’m trying to be more active but Goddammit it hurts. As I write this I have a muscle spasm in my right forearm that is constantly reminding me that my life sucks and it will never be easy. Typing with an arm spasm is no fun at all but if I expected life to be fun I probably should have been born in an entirely different body.

*Anyone who is shocked that I, an adult woman, have publicly mentioned the fact that my uterus is bleeding probably needs to back away from their device. You would not believe the stuff that’s on the internet.

Last update. Diet page.

Diet Update 9

This week I lost 0.7kg ( just over a pound). That takes my total weight loss on this diet up to 9.5kg (21 lbs or about a stone and a half).

This week I learned that I can have a cheat day and still lose weight but only if I’m defining a cheat day as one where I stay under my calorie limit while not caring about the carbs. Maybe. I was well under the calorie limit though. That’s good news because it means that if I fancy cinema popcorn or a sandwich then I can have that just not every week and I still have to be careful.

I’m still using the coffee trick and it really does work even with decaf. But I’m drinking high quality ground coffee which makes it feel more like an indulgence and less like I’m punishing myself.

As I said last week my referral to the leg ulcer clinic turned out to be useful. The nurse there is referring me to Vascular so they can check on the state of my veins and then to a specialist physiotherapist for massage and compression wraps. The goal is to reduce the size of the affected areas and then get made to measure compression garments. She also prescribed a moisturiser because dry skin on the affected areas can lead to cracking and infection.

For the first time since I heard about lipoedema it seems certain that I do have it and there is a plan to deal with it. I have to keep on the diet though.

Last Update. This Fucking Diet.

Diet Update 8

After a very active weekend during which I had a couple of days where I ate less than half my allotted calories I have lost a whole 400g (just under a pound). And I’m in agony. And feeling like shit.

But at least I survived a 3 days of my Mum insisting that I should have a biscuit because they’re only small. She did make sure to tell me that she’s super proud of me for losing weight. It’s nice of her to say so but it doesn’t change the fact that the weight loss is meaningless.

Tomorrow (as I write this it’ll be yesterday by the time it posts) I have an appointment at the leg ulcer clinic. I don’t have a leg ulcer. I assume this is my Doctor trying to get me compression wraps. I predict that I will yet again be sent home with nothing but we shall see.

[Edit: I was not sent away with nothing. I got an actually useful referral. Yay!]

Last update. Diet Page

Diet Update 7

I have lost 3.3kg (7lb or half a stone) since my last official weigh in and 8.5kg (18.7lbs or 1 stone and 4lbs) since the start of the diet. That’s ridiculous. You can’t lose half a stone of fat in a week. Clearly my weight is all over the place and it’s probably because of fluid.

I have been a bit more careful about carbs and about meal planning this week. There’s still room for improvement though. I’ve also been starting to think more seriously about exercise. Calorie restriction alone isn’t going to work in the long term.

Exercise is going to be tricky. I have mobility problems, chronic pain and no money. I’ve started with incline pushups and bodyweight squats. I’ve gone from being able to do 4 good form pushups and 1 terrible form squat to 10 and 5 with good form and reasonable speed. My husband has a rowing machine that I’m thinking about using but for some reason haven’t tried out yet.

Ideally I’d like to get back into weight training but with little room in the house, no money for a gym membership, and no easy way to get to a gym it’s going to be tricky. We’re thinking about moving some of the furniture around to make room for weights. I already have some weights and it’s not too expensive to buy more. It’s a decent squat rack and bench that’s going to be expensive. You don’t want to skimp on those because that’s a safety issue.

 

Last Update. Diet update page

Diet Update 6

This week I have gained 200g. That’s not a lot. Less than half a pound. But it’s the wrong direction.

It’s particularly galling because I have had a thoroughly miserable week sticking to this fucking diet. I have not gone over on calories but I have been much closer to the line and I did go over on carbs on Friday and Saturday. That could mean that the weight gain is down to to fluid but I’m not going to rely on that.

In the future I need to be more careful with carbs, and I need to work on the assumption that either MyFitnessPal is too generous with calories or there’s stuff I’m eating and forgetting to track and not get too close to the line with Calories.

And I need to drink more coffee. I need to get back into the habit of defaulting to a decaf if I get hungry late at night.

EDIT: I weigh myself on a Monday and then write up the diet update but set it to post on a Wednesday. I do this because no-one else should have to deal with my dietary bitching on a Monday. But it does sometimes mean that the information is out of date by the time it’s posted.

When I weighed myself on Monday my weight was up by 200g. When I got curious and weighed myself on Tuesday it was down by 1.3 kg ( that’s nearly 3lbs). I can’t have lost that much fat in 24 hrs so the difference must be down to fluid. As someone with both lipoedema and lymphoedema I can carry a lot of excess fluid. It could also be down to the difference between having eaten enough carbs to have stored some glycogen and having used up the glycogen and not eaten enough carbs to replenish the stores.

All the Diet posts.

Diet Update 5

This week I lost half a kilo (about a pound) and I am already underwhelmed with weight loss after only 4 weigh-ins.

I find the entire process of dieting deeply unsatisfying. It’s expensive, it takes ages, it requires constant vigilance, and it leads to me obsessing about my appearance.

I’d really rather not think about my appearance. I’ve tried very hard to either like how I look or not care that I don’t like how I look. Dieting invariably seems to involve more thinking about how I can’t fix the problems with how I look and I’ve so far failed to fix how I feel about that.

Dieting also means not using food as a painkiller or an antidepressant. It means having to deal with pain, both physical and psychological, that I could avoid if I wasn’t on a fucking diet. And I have to expand precious mental resources working out what to eat rather than say, just having some toast. I find myself just having a cup of coffee to suppress my appetite because then I don’t have to think.

Context is everything. I’m a fat middle aged woman so me deciding to drink coffee rather than eat seems like a neat diet hack. But it’s just as dysfunctional as a skinny teenaged girl doing the same thing. It’s neither healthy nor moderate and it may not be sustainable but who cares because the number on the scale is headed in the right direction.

For more information see Update 4 or the Diet Page.

Diet Update 2

I’ve been on the diet for several days now and it’s been interesting. I’ve been using Myfitnesspal to track my food intake. Since I’m on a low carb diet I’ve mainly been paying attention to carbs but the app also tracks my calorie intake (although it’s actually tracking Kilojoules because I set it up wrong) and I’ve been well under every day.

The problem with the induction phase of a low carb diet is that it does tend to make you grumpy. And by grumpy I mean likely to fly into a murderous rage with very little warning. It also takes a while to get into the habit of it. You spend a lot of time staring into the fridge wondering what you can eat and then end up just nibbling on cheese.

I still don’t have functioning scales but my Mother-in-law has offered to give me a new set for my birthday. That means I’ll be able to tell how much weight I’m not losing. I jest. I probably will lose some weight. It’s just depressing to know that it will never be enough.

And that’s the real reason that I’m so pissed off about going on this diet. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much weight I lose I already know that it’s not going to be enough. The Lipoedema means that while I might get thinner I’ll never be thin enough for society. The hangover from my youthful dalliance with anorexia means that I’ll never be satisfied with what I see in the mirror. The additional weight from the Lipoedema fat cells and all the fluid they trap means that there’s no point even asking about knee replacement surgery. It’s highly unlikely that my weight loss will do anything to fix any of my underlying problems.

This diet is just me torturing myself in the hope that if I can stand the torture long enough my doctor might take me seriously.

link to Diet Update 1

The best laid plans

This is a brief FML update.

In theory I should be starting my diet in earnest today but it kind of seems pointless because the scales are broken and I can’t weigh myself. I can’t afford new scales. How do I prove to the doctors that I’ve been sticking to the diet if I can’t tell them how much weight I’ve lost?

I’m too tired to come up with a solution to this problem because I’ve not been sleeping because I’ve been in a state of abject panic about the upcoming Bloody Scotland pitch. I’m panicking in part because I feel like I’ve got no business pitching my weird multi-genre mess at a crime writing event. Somebody is bound to call me on it and what am I going to say? I am now old enough that ‘it wasn’t my idea’ is not a valid excuse for anything.

I’ve also spent two days not phoning the salon for an appointment for a much needed haircut. If I don’t get my undercut trimmed before Sunday I’m going to be delivering a presentation looking like I’ve been attacked by a toddler with a strimmer. I hate making phone calls at the best of times but my anxiety is out of control at the moment.

I think this is all a preemptive reaction to the expected rejection from the pitch. I’ve recently discovered something called rejection-sensitive dysphoria which is common in people with ADHD. Basically it means that it’s not just my imagination. I do have an extreme reaction to rejection and criticism. It’s not because I’m weak or oversensitive. It’s part of the way my brain is wired. Which is a tiny bit of a relief but also means that I’m not going to ever just get over it.

Yay for self knowledge.

Diet Update 1

Further to my post about the joke that is my life I have decided to begin a diet. Or a fucking diet as I will certainly be calling it. Since misery loves company I’m going to be keeping you all updated on my progress.

I’ve already begun the preparation for the diet. It’s going to be a high protein low carb diet because that’s the only diet that’s ever worked for me. A large part of the prep is larder management. I’ve been eating my way through the foods that I won’t be able to eat on the diet and that are most likely to tempt me to slip. I’ve been restocking the kitchen with the foods that I will be able to eat.

I’ve also begun the habit of tracking my eating using an app. That way I wont have to worry about building two new habits (low carb eating and tracking the food) at the same time. Frustrated and hangry is not the state of mind to be learning a complicated tracking app.

The other thing I’ve been doing this week is mastering my new coffee maker. It was a birthday gift from my other half. It makes coffee using the power of Science! It’s a syphon coffee maker that uses heat to create a partial vacuum and it looks like magic, or at least alchemy. It’s important for the diet because coffee is an appetite suppressant and practically everything else I really enjoy is off limits due to either diet, disability or finances. If you’re interested you can check out this Amazon affiliates link to the one I use.

If anyone is interested in my choice of coffee I will probably get round to posting about that at some point too.