Recently on Twitter much fun was had with the idea of women writing ourselves as a male author would. I couldn’t join in because I’m a disabled fat middle aged women and that means I’m invisible to most male authors. And actually a lot of female authors. And when they do write us it’s as comic relief.
I did get to join in with the “write yourself as you would write you” challenge but that left me wondering why I write so few fat characters. I think the truth is that I don’t trust myself to write fat characters. I’m worried that my own body image issues will creep through and I don’t want to put any more fatphobia in the world.
Perhaps I’m also subconsciously feeling like I’m the wrong person to write that kind of acceptance and diversity. I shouldn’t write positively about fat women because I’m a fat woman so it doesn’t count. But if I don’t do it then who will? There’s not a lot of skinny people queueing up to write warmly about fat people. Able bodied people tend not to write about the disabled, particularly not those with chronic pain. And neurotypical people are really bad at writing neurodiverse characters.
But then there’s a part of me that resists that. Don’t I get to write my fantasies of a life without pain, a life of full mobility, a life where I don’t have to spend every waking moment justifying the space I take up? I deal with that shit all day every day and now I have to write about it too? How is that fair?
If you’re the kind of masochist that enjoyed reading this rant why not buy me a coffee.
Because I am not back on the diet yet. I did weigh myself as usual and I have gained 1.3kg (2.8 pounds). Some of it will be fluid but some of it is bound to be fat.
I’m not on the diet because I have failed at step one of any good eating plan. The shopping. If you don’t have enough of the right food in the house then you end up eating the wrong food or the right foods in the wrong combinations.
I can’t fix the shopping problem because we are too broke this week. It will be at least a week and a half before I can stock up on the right foods.
My visit to the nurse this week also ended in failure. I don’t have the compression garments I need for my lipoedema because the manufacturer didn’t make them. There is clearly some whole big thing going on there but I can’t work out what it is and I find it hilarious that mine was the only order that didn’t get made.
I ordered some compression leggings from a company that makes gym wear and I’m wearing them right now. They’re comfortable enough and I can do my weight training in them. They even look ok, though obviously not on me. Now I just have to work out how to stop feeling guilty for spending money on them.
I have lost 3.3kg (7lb or half a stone) since my last official weigh in and 8.5kg (18.7lbs or 1 stone and 4lbs) since the start of the diet. That’s ridiculous. You can’t lose half a stone of fat in a week. Clearly my weight is all over the place and it’s probably because of fluid.
I have been a bit more careful about carbs and about meal planning this week. There’s still room for improvement though. I’ve also been starting to think more seriously about exercise. Calorie restriction alone isn’t going to work in the long term.
Exercise is going to be tricky. I have mobility problems, chronic pain and no money. I’ve started with incline pushups and bodyweight squats. I’ve gone from being able to do 4 good form pushups and 1 terrible form squat to 10 and 5 with good form and reasonable speed. My husband has a rowing machine that I’m thinking about using but for some reason haven’t tried out yet.
Ideally I’d like to get back into weight training but with little room in the house, no money for a gym membership, and no easy way to get to a gym it’s going to be tricky. We’re thinking about moving some of the furniture around to make room for weights. I already have some weights and it’s not too expensive to buy more. It’s a decent squat rack and bench that’s going to be expensive. You don’t want to skimp on those because that’s a safety issue.
Last Update. Diet update page
Lost 1.2kg ( two and a half pounds) this week for a total new diet weight loss of 4.7kg (just over 10lbs).
This week my main difficulties have been managing the food supply. We had to throw out some fresh food because it went off before we got round to using it. It’s tempting at the start of a diet to fill the fridge with the things you know you can eat but I really should have looked at the dates of everything and planned ahead a bit better. Fortunately Iceland came to my rescue (the shop not the country). They have cauliflower and mixed greens “rice” in frozen ready to microwave bags.
I had the first ‘diet nightmare’ of this diet. That’s when I dream I’m eating and then halfway through eating I realise that I shouldn’t be eating this thing because carbs. The last time I was on a low carb diet I would have that dream several times a week and be wracked with guilt during the dream and wake up devastated and sure that I’d ruined the diet. This time in the dream I just shrugged and thought ‘oh well, back on the diet tomorrow’ and finished the pizza/crusty bread/mashed potato (yes I did have the dream three times in one night). I woke up feeling slightly relieved that it was just a dream.
The detailed tracking that MyFitnessPal allows means that I’m noticing how variable my appetite is. I’ve had a couple of days where staying under the limit both on calories and on carbs was pretty hard and I had one day where I only ate about half the calories I could have done. So far there doesn’t seem to be any pattern to it.
Should I make a diet page to collect all these links? Probably.
This week I weighed myself for the second time and my weight was down by 3.5 kg (just under 8lbs for Americans and just over half a stone for Brits). That’s not bad. You always lose more in the first week of any diet and the effect is particularly strong with low carb diets. I probably haven’t lost 3.5 kg of fat. I estimate that 3 kg of that is fluid.
The eating has been fine. I’ve been sticking to my plan and my calorie intake has been under the target every single day, well under on most days. More importantly I think I’ve been fine on the carb targets too. The only thing that’s worrying me about the food side of it is money. If I mess up on the shopping and planning side I’ll be in trouble. There really aren’t many cheap sources of protein. If I run out of food and mostly run out of money I’ll have to fall back on things that are high in carbohydrates and just not satisfying.
Now before anyone starts congratulating me please remember that this weight-loss is still meaningless. You might hear people, even doctors, say “Any weight-loss is good,” but this simply isn’t true. When I weighed myself the first time I was 23 kg lighter than I was at my heaviest (that’s 50lbs for Americans and three and a half stone for Brits). That weight-loss was real and I’ve sustained it for years but it doesn’t count because I’m still fat.
For me dieting is and always has been a hole with no bottom. It’s never going to be enough. It’s never going to fix the problem I have with the mirror. It’s never going to fix the things that are wrong with my body. Dieting is a means without an end.
Links to the previous updates: Update 1. Update 2