My Motto

… as previously stated is “Always look on the bright side. If you can’t find the bright side polish the dark side.”

I’ll give you an example. I have a Chronic Pain Disorder (Fibromyalgia with a side order of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). That means that I am in pain pretty much all the time. Painkillers don’t work well on Chronic Pain Disorders. NSAIDs (Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory) can help but I can’t take them because they affect my asthma. This sort of diagnosis is one of those times when the medical profession is basically saying “LOL. Sucks to be you.”

You would think that there is no possible bright side to this. And you would be right. It’s debilitating, it’s painful, it’s irritating, it’s depressing, and like all invisible disabilities it carries a massive stigma. There is no bright side but you can polish the dark side:

  1. I am totally not afraid of you. There is nothing you can do to me to cause me more pain than my body does all by itself.
  2. I am secure in the knowledge that I am a total badass. I have a list of things I’ve been through that are more painful than childbirth. Do you? Didn’t think so.
  3. Oh you’re going to kill me? Woop. Go for it. Saves me the trouble. Did I mention depression?
  4. But I will go down fighting. Fighting will hurt but everything fucking hurts and you don’t survive 39 years of depression without a stubborn streak you could lay tarmac on and call a road.

Now I speak to all my brothers and sisters out there in a similar boat. When everything hurts and nothing will change it, when life feels meaningless and worthless and pointlessly dark, when everyone else is bored of how much your life sucks – look life in the eye and say, “Bring it on, Bitch. You and me. Right here. Right now. I may be going down but you’re coming with me.”

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I write because I have no choice

I have tried to stop writing. I really have. I’ve tried to persuade myself that I’m not a writer and that I will never be published so none of the writing I do counts. I’m, not expecting success as a writer because I’m fairly sure that no-one is interested in what I have to say.

None of this helps.  It seems that I am a writer because I can’t choose not to be.  More than that.  I am a storyteller because I can’t choose not to be.  I really can’t help it   I automatically arrange any sequence of events into a narrative.  I think in tropes and dialogue and character development.

Of course that’s partly because my life is so fucking awful that I need something else to think about.  This neatly links into my motto.  “Always look on the bright side.  If you can’t find the bright side polish the dark side.”

More on that later.