A head full of cotton wool

One of the most frustrating things about my combination of mental and physical disorders is that sometimes my brain just can’t. I know I’m not thinking clearly and I hate it. I don’t know exactly what causes it. I don’t know how to avoid it. I don’t know how to make it better when it happens.

It’s like someone packed my brain in cotton wool or bubble wrap. Some people with Fibromyalgia call it fibro fog but to me it feels denser than fog. I also don’t like assuming that it’s caused by the Fibromyalgia. I suspect that it’s more likely to be caused by depression or anxiety or information overload from pain or perhaps some horrible combination. Of course it could just be Executive Function Disorder in disguise.

I have a bad case of it at the moment. It’s affecting everything but it gets worse whenever I think about querying. I know that there are steps that people do. I assume that step one involves working out which agents to query but I can’t remember how I did that before and I can’t work out how to do it now. The more I try to drag my mind back to that task the harder it becomes to get it to do anything at all.

I’m hungry as I write this and soon it will be a meal time but I have no idea what to do about it. There’s a meeting that I should be going to tonight but there’s no chance of me going anywhere. There are definitely chores that need doing but I can’t remember what they are or how to do them.

I’m not entirely convinced that this post makes sense. I’m going to schedule this several days into the future in the hope that before it goes out I’ll be together enough to edit it. Of course I could forget all about it. So if you’re reading this and it’s full of typos and homophones and sentence fragments then I’m probably still too foggy to have checked it over.

The Mystery of Donald Trump

To me the mystery of Donald Trump is not how he got to be president. It’s how he ever got to be popular at all.

I just don’t understand the attraction. I know that he’s rich but there are a lot of people who are richer and yet are not all over the television. If he’s charismatic it’s passing me by and while he’s certainty not ugly he’s never been a stunning beauty.

He’s rude. But perhaps I can’t blame people from overlooking that since so many public figures¬†seem to be rude these days. I remember when interrupting people was considered a bad thing but now they’re all at it. He does seem to be a lot ruder than most of the competition though.

He’s dishonest and boastful. His favourite topic of conversation is himself but he seems to be very bad at remembering his own words.¬†I keep thinking about how irritating that would be if a friend or colleague did it. Can you imagine what it would be like to work with someone who would send a group e-mail claiming that Global Warming was a hoax but then denied it when challenged? Can you imagine printing off the e-mail and showing it to him and demanding an explanation? Can you imagine how irritating it would be if he then stormed off, refusing to answer and accusing you of attacking him?

But I find it really confusing that anyone was shocked by the way he talks about women when he thinks no-one is listening. How could you be shocked by him talking that way? That’s just the way he talks about women all the time with an added layer of bad language. If you listen to him any time he talks about women he has real difficulty with the idea that women might be people. Perhaps he feels differently about the women he knows, or the ones he’s related to at least, but even then he talks about them more as objects than as people.

He has a pattern of promising people the world to get what he wants and then delivering virtually nothing and blaming others for his failure. He’s done that in his business dealings over and over again and he’s already started doing it with his Presidential campaign.

I think the thing that worries me the most is that he seems to be a man who has very rarely heard the word “no”. That worries me because that’s a word that builds character. Everyone knows that if you only say “yes” to your children you risk spoiling them. Everyone knows that we need adversity in order to grow. I suspect that presidents hear a lot of “no” and deal with a lot of adversity and I worry that he’s just not used to that.

Strange Brain Days

Having fallen down the rabbit hole of one of my own novels I am now experiencing weird brain things. It’s starting to feel like I’m stuck inside the story. I don’t mean that I think it’s real, or that I’m losing touch with reality. I mean that I’m always thinking about it and that I keep being driven back to it.

I write because I have to write but that doesn’t normally force me to keep coming back to a tricky novel and writing 4000 words or more day after day when I don’t have a deadline. I think I maybe just really want to find out what it’s going to be like when it’s finished. But even that doesn’t explain why it’s taking up so much brain space.

This story wont leave me alone. It’s taken up permanent residence in my subconscious and it’s using run-time my brain would normally devote to things like keeping tack of money and what day it is and remembering to eat.

Anyone who knows me will know that I do not forget to eat. Nothing puts me off my food. Well almost nothing. My appetite kind of disappeared for a while soon after meeting the man who is now my husband. Am I in love with my book?