+++PRESIDENT WARNS OF FALLING PACKETS OF DRUGS+++MEXICAN CARTELS APPARENTLY THROWING CONTRABAND ABOUT+++NEW BORDER WALL TO BE POROUS TO AVOID HEAD INJURIES+++
+++ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT PRESIDENT TRUMP INFORMED REPORTERS ON AIR FORCE ONE THAT HIS PROPOSED BORDER WALL NEEDS TO BE SEE-THROUGH, OR AT LEAST HAVE HOLES IN IT, SO AMERICANS DON’T GET CRUSHED BY FALLING BAGS OF DRUGS+++
I’m not buying this story. I think the real reason for the fear of falling drugs is that they’re dropping out of Zeppelins as they transition to our reality. Therefore the current Zeppelin sighting forecast for the US/Mexico border areas is standing at 22%.
Zeppelin explanation. Previous forecasts for Alaska, Colorado and the emergency global forecast.
Hat tip to Laura Lam for posting the link to the news story to facebook and commenting that it’s getting hard to tell real news from satire.
I feel we may be perilously close to the return of our Zeppelin overlords.
The image below which comes from a tweet from ‘Copy McPasty‘ and is captioned “Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.”
I forecast a global increase in the chance of Zeppelin sightings of 15%. This is additional to any local increase. I also expect reports of sentient umbrella based lifeforms invading the planet.
Go here for a Zeppelin explanation. Forecast for Alaska. Forecast for Colorado.
+++US STATE PLANNING TO ARM TEACHERS TO “MAKE SCHOOLS SAFER”+++
+++SCHOOL DISTRICTS IN COLORADO ENCOURAGING TEACHERS TO ARM THEMSELVES+++
+++STAFF OFFERED ADVANCED GUN TRAINING TO MAKE PUPILS “SAFER”+++
+++A GROUP CALLED ‘COLORADANS FOR LIBERTY’ BRINGS VOLUNTARY THREE DAY COURSE TO THE STATE+++
We predict a 10% chance of Zeppelins in Colorado. This is a massive increase on the usual 1.5%. Furthermore we are suspicious that Colorado knows something we don’t and that’s why they’re arming teachers. Thus we predict a 2% chance of total societal collapse. We think if there is a collapse there’s an even chance that it will be down to Zombies. Thus we are predicting a 1% chance of a Zombie Apocalypse starting in Colorado.
Should there be an actual Zombie Apocalypse in Colorado then the local chance of Zeppelin sighting will be at least 80% with a 40% minimum chance globally. I’m calling it now. In the event of a Zombie Apocalypse we will be evacuated by Zeppelins.
+++STATE OF ALASKA TO SHUT DOWN ON JULY 1ST+++
+++STATE EMPLOYEES TO BE LAID OFF+++
+++DAMAGE FORECAST TO BE IN THE BILLIONS+++
+++RECOVERY TO TAKE YEARS IF NOT DECADES+++
I’m estimating the chance of zeppelin sightings above Alaska between now and July 1st at 30%. This is only 10% up from the local base chance of 20% but Alaska was pretty alternative already.
Note for the confused:
It’s a long standing trope of science fiction that you know an alternative reality by the presence of zeppelins. This means that the Earth in was an alternative reality between 1893 and 1937. Which makes a lot of sense if you look at history.
It’s an old trope of science fiction that you can always tell if you’ve slipped into an alternative reality because there will be Zeppelins. As I’ve mentioned before I tend to nip outside and do a quick Zeppelin check whenever weird stuff happens. You know, stuff like a reality TV star getting elected president.
Things have been getting so weird recently that I think it’s time to produce a regular Zeppelin forecast. That means I need to collate reports of weirdness. I don’t mean the sort of weirdness I normally look for, like that time a goat was kidnapped from a petting zoo and then returned wearing nail varnish on its hooves. I’m thinking more of the rumours (now denied) that Sinn Fein MPs would be taking up their seats in the Westminster parliament for the first time ever.
I’m asking my readers to send me links to the sort of news stories that make them look to the skies in search of airships. I’m looking for mainstream news stories that are as weird as that time a guy in Florida tried to eat someone’s face but also weirdly mundane like the news that two of the Grenfell Tower victims had been threatened with legal action for campaigning about fire safety. One of the weird trends recently is elected bodies and individuals behaving like pantomime villains. I’m sure that used to be really rare.
So if you, my loyal readers, send me links via Twitter (or Google+ or Facebook if you prefer) I hope to produce a weekly Zeppelin forecast. That way we’ll all know if it’s time to break out the helmets and hide from our new reptilian overlords or whatever else we have to expect when we are all shunted into some strange parallel world.